This week has been a blah week for me and mom. Mom is taking a nap right now because she is on muscle relaxers and pain medicine. This past Monday she started having a stabbing pain in her left shoulder blade that then went up and down her next and by Friday was pain down her left arm. Mom finally broke down and went to the doctor and the doctor thinks mom's bone spurs are acting up and she might have a pinched nerve. Mom is going in for a deep tissue massage and possible Cortisone shots in her neck. If the Cortisone shots don't help it might be surgery time. So no sawing from mom or working in the yard for her.
Me, who knows what my deal is. I had a migraine on Monday and Tuesday and I just felt depressed the rest of the week, maybe not enough Vitamin D. I usually don't feel like this but I was missing my military friends, I was actually missing the Army, feeling like a slug (who needs to get her ass off the couch to workout) and feeling lonely.
I guess it is hitting me that this year would have been 20 years if I had stayed in the Army and it has been almost 10 years since I got out of the Army. I don't regret my decision for getting out of the Army one bit, but there are times I seriously, seriously miss it. I still feel out of step in the civilian world, though I have been out longer now then I had been in. The Army had its bad moments but it sure had its good moments too.
I don't know what it is with me, but just the thought of exercising makes me crawl on my couch and never want to leave it. I know I need to get moving if I want to stay healthy, but I DON'T WANNA! I don't know if it is because I had to do P.T. for almost 10 years or what but exercise is a dirty word for me. I have all these walking tapes, ab tapes, leg and arm tapes, but do I use them, that is a big fat NO. They sit on the shelf and gather dust. I really not happy with the weight I am at but I just can't seem to get motivated to do something about it. Anyone got an answer to get my fat butt off the couch and do something?????
The problem with being lonely is my own fault. I haven't been on a date since I have been home, and people if you haven't been paying attention, that is almost 10 YEARS. When I first came home I was still seeing a friend from the Army, though we finally just broke up in December of 2001, you can do the math can't you. After that my excuses were:
1)I am helping mom with my grandparents and going to school full time - so no time to date (2002-2006)
2) I am working full time now and going to school part time - so no time to date (2006-2010)
3) I am working full time and mom and I are trying to get the jewelry business off the ground - so no time to date (2010 to present)
4) I look like a beached whale and I don't want to freak a guy out - so no way do I want to date (present)
5) I have never gone a date with a civilian guy (won't count the one date I went on with a civilian guy in 1994 because that was a disaster) so what in the world do you talk about with a civilian guy - so don't date
5) Internet dating freaks me out because what if you are stuck with a stalker/killer - if you didn't know I am one paranoid person
Usually I am alright being by myself and hanging out with mom working on jewelry. This week I was feeling lonely. I was missing the holding hands, talking or just hanging out together (though we would have to hang out at their place because I am like a guard dog with my house - IT IS MY HOUSE AND I DON'T SHARE!!!) I am a little possessive with my territory now, the only person I have in my house is mom. I am in almost panic mode because I have to allow the Home Depot people into my house on Tuesday so they can measure the living room floor to lay wood floors. It is totally freaking me out.
See, I am a freak, but I am a lovable freak as my friend Lisa tells me.
Sorry to lay that out there for all the world to see...I have been going over these thoughts all week. They have been a whirlwind going around and around in my mind. I am feeling better today, so maybe actually typing the thoughts out has helped. I don't feel so bottled up. I also wanted to thank you for leaving comments on the last post and I do plan on answering your emails, but this week just seemed like to much work and again I apologize for that. I will try and do better you all.
Okay, if you lasted this long, I did promise you some eye candy to make up for the maudlin post of Beth. The eye candy I am sharing today is another necklace mom and I made last weekend and some of our birthday gifts and images of what I worked on today.
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| Barefoot Thru the Scottish Thistle |
This is a necklace we made last week with one of our pendants (Scottish Thistle) and some of our lampwork glass beads and Mokalite accent beads.
This is my torching table today. Mom wanted me to make some yellow beads, with frit, to go with some of the pendants she received for her birthday. So, I worked on making beads so I could finish off the last of the oxygen so we can order more this week.
The pendant I got mom for her birthday - a dogwood pendant from
BeeTree by m.e.
My Aunt Vickie bought a gift certificate to
BeeTree by m.e. for mom and these are the pendants that mom bought:
My Aunt Vickie bought me a gift certificate from
Juls but my beads have not arrived yet. Juls and I had a lot of issues with my gift certificate. Juls has a nice blog post about some of the issues we had and if you would like to read about it head over to
here. Needless to say it was one big fiasco after another and none of it was Juls fault. I do have to say Paypal is not on either of our favorite list right now. At one point "The Bitch" came out and snarled at the poor representative at Paypal (usually I am very nice to representatives on the phone, but I was on my last nerve and "The Bitch" snapped) and I had to have mom call them to try and fix the issue. Needless to say it was finally all fixed on the 20th of March and we are all now happy.
Mom did buy me some pieces from
Cindy Gimbrone. Love the pieces and I have ideas and I can't wait to put the ideas into action.
Well if you stuck it out - hurray! I am feeling a lot better now and I hope to have more lampwork beads done this week - after we order more oxygen. I also need to start sawing pieces out if mom is not going to be able to do it. Need to get into production mode because we have a show in a little over a month. Need to get cracking. Thanks again for being here for us - both mom and I appreciate it! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and I will try to be in a better mood in the following posts!
(((((((((((((((((BETH)))))))))))))))))
ReplyDeleteRight about now I find myself wishing I still lived in Indy so I could give you a giant hug for real and take you out to a margarita happy hour. I'd even share my nachos, and I don't think I have ever shared my nachos.
I *so* feel your pain. I've lived alone since 2003 and my home is just that. Mine. The safe place where I can do what I want and noone can tell me any different and don't put that down right there damn it!!!
You grow accustomed to be being alone, and before you know it meeting new people and putting your heart out there seems a mountainous and impossible and terrifying task. But girl. You have to. You have to suck it up and put on your big girl panties and beat those fears down.
I know it is easier said than done, but what fun is life without at least a little risk?
And as per one of the greatest lines I've ever heard in a movie...(Eat, Pray, Love)...and I'm paraphrasing because I have CRS syndrome...
"Has a man ever laughed at you for being naked in front of him? Or gotten up and left? No. They are just happy to be there with you naked."
SO. TRUE. As women we beat ourselves silly over silly things.
Love you, Beth. You have my number *any* time you want or need to talk. You are most definitely NOT alone.
Oh Beth, so sorry you're feeling down. Been there done that, it's so hard to dig yourself out, so so so hard! I vividly remember my struggles. It can be done, I did it, it was some of the toughest times in my life. I absolutely hated dating, but I pushed myself and did it anyway, on the internet I might add. I found my husband that way after many many disasters. I'm with you in whatever you decide to do, you can do it!! Hugs to your mom too, hope it doesn't come to surgery!! Take care you 2!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd hooray for eye candy, lovely stuff!!
GRRRL! You are down and I'm so sorry! I've know several friends who have had luck meeting very nice people through the internet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you're not usually like this, could it a case of S.A.D? That weather induced blah? I just hope that you are feeling better soon. Give your mom a great big hug - but not in the general shoulder/arm area. That left hook may still be stronger than you think. :)
{{{{hugs}}}}
I am so sorry you are in a funk which you seem to have good reason to be in. I really think when we funk it is a signal that it is time to make a dreaded change- face it like a Lion- NO FEAR- just do it... I always have what I hope is an extremely large dose of sympathy and then some suggestions for healing action. If you hate to walk- bring your camera and try to make it fun and purposeful: gathering inspiration for your work. If you love music then I would suggest you find a Zumba class- it works for me. I get one hour of invigorating cardio and barely know how the time passed so quickly because it is so fun and I have to concentrate on the moves so it totally, and I mean totally clears my mind. I forget all my troubles and start fresh after class with a great positive attitude and a smile on my face. You can get DVDs too if you want privacy.
ReplyDeleteAbout the other I will email you privately.
And your pictures were great- pictures really help to describe your emotions when they are added to the words. I got the full message.
Your work is wonderful - I always enjoy coming to your blog and sitting down for a read and seeing what you are up to. Maybe you can express some of the angst in your art. I made a quilt based on a huge hurt in m life and it was the only thing that helped me to finally stop obsessing with it.
Give my best to your mom too. I have neck issues from old whiplash injuries and it is not fun. She may want to rethink her posture when working; adjust table heights.... I have to be very careful how I sit when working to keep my neck from acting up. And then I have to move it - lots of rolling and stretching to keep the muscles from tightening up.
I hope I haven't given too much (know-it-all) advice. I have just been there too- Love you both and hope you both feel better.
PS Thanks for your so nice comments on my new work!
Beth, just wanted to send a virtual hug and say I'm sorry you're feeling the blues. I can understand a bit about the military. My husband got out after 10 years and sometimes I really miss it as I grew up a Navy "Brat". :-) That was a huge chunk of my life. I guess I live vicariously through my brother now who is in the Navy.
ReplyDeleteI think you are on your way to a change after getting all of these thoughts out. You'll be able to see the little steps you might take to turn things around if you read and reread your post. You have so many supportive friends, you have nothing to lose! Sending some sunshine your way today!
Girl you have my number and my ear why the hell haven't you used it? Do you need them again? I get you are lonely but you are so NOT ALONE!!!!
ReplyDeleteHugs and Hugs and Hugs!
Miss Beth - I am sorry that I missed this post. I have been a bit MIA myself lately. Maybe I am down a bit too. Or maybe I just have so much to do that I cannot possibly get it all done! Whatever it is I want you to know that I am thinking of you and sending some positive vibes your way. You really do need to take good care of yourself. I feel the same way you do about exercising, but I can't say that I have ever been the peak of physical fitness. I know that I feel lousy and that moving will help. But it seems so insurmoutable. I had wanted to walk for 20 minute 4-5 times a week. Well... here it is March and I went walking for about 45 today. That counts for two days, doesn't it? You are such a bright and creative soul. I know that you will find your way out of the funk that you are in. And I hope that you can open up your heart to find the companionship you seek. I am always amazed at the relationship that you have with your mother. I have very little of a relationship with mine. She just doesn't get me and really doesn't want to try. And with her mind going toward Alzheimer's time is not on my side to change that. So cherish every moment with your mom, but although she is great, you do need to have a different sort of relationship. I don't have any answers for you, but you know that I am on your side!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the day, Beth!
Erin